Intentional Relationships

We have talked all through this course about how divorce is very predictable.  Success in marriage is also predictable.  Couples on the brink of divorce and happily married couples both have on average, about 10 difficulties or challenges.  So really we control our circumstances. 

In one of my other classes we talked about how both have to give 90% and only expect 10% in return and it will always work out.  We can make intentional steps through each stage in life.  We cannot just be passive and slide through life or we will continue in destructive patterns. 

Parenting & Respect

We have been watching active parenting videos from Michael Popkin this week.  Something that stood out to me was that parents are to treat their teens with respect.  When parents respect their children, it prepares them for every other relationship they will have in life.  One of the best ways to do that is to use "I messages."  "I messages" have 4 steps:

1. Start with saying, "I have a problem with..." Focus on the problem being the enemy- not the teen.
2. Tell the teen how the problem leaves you feeling.  They need to learn how their actions effect others.
3. Tell them the reasons behind your feelings. "Because..." 
4. Finally, reiterate what you would like the teen to do.

Work and Love

Over the past two weeks I have had many impressions that I've recorded. I have been having a difficult time deciding what to share here.  I decided I'll just do some bullet points of what is appropriate to share:

• We have to learn codes of others to be able to connect with them.
• You can't rely on leftover time to meet the needs of your children.  We have to make time!
• The most important counsels are those that can and should happen in the home.
• The entire family has to work together to get to know each other effectively.
• When you work alongside someone, you are able to see their strengths and weaknesses. You are also given an opportunity to bond.
• Work has a greater power on children than play.
• The wold measures good parenting on what the child's future occupation is.
• When we really love someone we will work for them.

Crisis

The Chinese symbol for crisis is danger and opportunity put next to each other.  So when we are in a crisis there is a threat to our safety and an opportunity to grow. 

I was thinking about crises in my family and which ones I have really grown from and why.  The answer is using proper coping strategies.  When I was diagnosed with cancer, I turned to my family and the Lord.  As a family we knew that we could handle this.  Many times we get a bit discouraged, but we still know that we will make it through because we are talking about it and facing the fact that this is really happening to our family.  That has helped me get to know my family better.  This isn't a crisis that is just affecting me, it affects my entire family.

Marital Intimacy

Children should be learning about marital intimacy.  When they ask questions, parents should answer them in a way that the child knows he can come and ask them more questions as they arise.  They should be taught that certain things are only okay IN marriage. 

Most of the world believes that you can have sex with whoever you want, wherever you want, and whenever you want.  In class last week we learned about the emotional damaging effects of sex before marriage.  You cannot have the full bonding experience without the commitment behind that.  It can be a means of strengthening a marriage relationship and should not be defiled by the world.

Preparing for a Marriage

This week we learned about the process to marriage:

• Dating  {a lot of different people in a lot of different situations}
• Courtship  {being exclusive, but you still do so in a lot of different situations}
• Engagement  {letting the world know you are getting married- a time to plan wedding AND marriage}
• Marriage  {not just the wedding day}

The most fascinating thing I learned this week was about courtship.  I guess I knew that we still "court," but we are always so vague about it.  If we called it courting, we would probably think about boyfriend/girlfriend relationships a bit differently.  I have never had a boyfriend because I have always been taught that you aren't exclusive until you are ready to prepare for marriage and think that it could possibly be with that person. 

During courtship is when you should start asking serious questions.  Questions about their dreams, their fears, their plans, their family, their envision of a future family, etc.  Courtship is a big deal that should be taken more seriously in the world.

DATING!

I just love reading stuff about dating.  It's not because I'm some boy-crazy little girl.  When we talk about real dating where you plan, prepare, and pay, that is when I like talking about dating.  My favorite dates haven't been where a guy spent so much time meticulously planning something or paying some extravagant amount of money.  My favorite dates have been when they're at least a little thought out and we do something together where we can talk comfortably.

We talked about doing a variety of dating.  In that way you can get different perspectives of the individual you are dating.  Bro. Williams showed us some pictures that looked very different depending upon where you were sitting in the classroom.  It was funny to hear how people were describing it and then seeing all of our shock when he changed the angle of the picture.  I think that is the key right there.  If we don't date in a variety of settings and activities, we will be shocked at some of our spouses characteristics when we get married.

Gender & Flowers

I love flowers.  I love taking pictures of flowers.  I love receiving flowers.  All of my notes from class have flowers along the sides and it seems to be the only thing I can doodle. 

I know this is weird but as we were discussing gender roles, I've thought about why I draw flowers and take pictures of so many.  Is it because they're "girly" or is it because I consider them one of God's most delicate creations?  As a girl, was I encouraged to love flowers?  If I was a boy, would I draw them all over?  I don't think I would. 

The funny thing about that is that flowers aren't necessarily feminine.  One time a guy told me that a girl gave him flowers and he really appreciated it.  I didn't think for a second that he could possibly be gay, but I could see others thinking that.  I see flowers as something that can bring joy and comfort, but if men drew flowers all the time they would be considered weak or too sensitive. 
Just one thought about society influencing gender roles.

Diversity

We have been talking about diversity in class this week.  What is diversity?  Here at BYU-Idaho we have diversity.  Maybe not as much in the racial area, but when I was studying in the library and going to the temple I noticed much diversity.  Everyone looks so different, speaks different languages, has interests from chemistry and engineering to sociology and culinary arts.

The reason I chose to put the Rexburg Temple picture is because while I was there this morning I realized another level of diversity.  We all were united in serving, but we were all going with many different concerns and questions.

Diversity is good in many areas.  If we all looked the same and liked exactly the same things, it would be a very boring world.  Every member of our families plays a different role.  We all bring up things that wouldn't be noticed if we were all the same.